The Sons of Feanor Go to College
by Firelord Nimrod
Summary: Feanor sends his sons out to obtain a PhD and things go horribly wrong!


Disclaimer: Feanor, Nernandel, their sons, and Melkor are fictional characters from the literature of JRR Tolkien. We don't own any of it. In the case of Melkor, thank Illuvatar. This story was coauthored by Firelord Nimrod and Serami Nefera.

The Sons of Feanor Go to College

Feanor approaches his seven sons and says, "Your mother and I have come to a decision."

"What is the decision, Ada?" Maglor wonders.

Feanor says, "The sons of Men have devised a title called the PhD. I wish you to swear to obtain this PhD for us."

"Of course, Adar," Maedhros swears. "We shall not fail you like we did with the Silmarils!"

Feanor grins triumphantly at his sons. "Go out, princes of the Noldor, and make your people proud!" So thus do the seven sons go.

They arrive at UW. "We wish to obtain a PhD," they ask a random dude near UW. "How may we obtain one?"

"Go to the administrator at that building over there," he advises them, pointing to a random building in the distance.

Maglor approaches one of the people in the building. "Where may I find Administrator?"

"Why, in the administrator's office, down the hall and to your left," a girl in too short of a dress said. All seven sons went to the administrator's office.

"Oh, mighty Administrator," Maedhros begins, "We wish to obtain a PhD. We entreat you to offer us this object without conflict."

The administrator arches as eyebrow. "Conflict?" he repeats in bewilderment.

Maglor says "We have sworn an unbreakable oath to obtain this PhD for our father. We will take it by force if we must!"

"In that case, all you have to do is sign up for these classes," the administrator informs the Elves. "Which subjects are you interested in studying?"

"We are to be studying your people?" Maedhros wonders.

"Ah, you must be wanting to major in sociology," he deduced.

Maedhros wonders, "What does this sociology have to do with this PhD we need?"

"You gain a PhD by studying a subject such as sociology," the administrator attempts to clarify.

"So we are to study this person called Sociology?" Curanthir asks.

"No, sociology is a series of classes you must take," the administrator answers.

"Ah, we see," Maedhros nods. "And how are we to obtain this class?"

"Oh, you must take it from Professor Kopfschmerzen," the administrator informs the bewildered sons.

"Where may we find this professor?" Celegorm asks with a wicked grin.

"Down the hall to the right," the administrator answers. "If you go down the hall and to the right, you will come to the sociology office. Ask for Professor Kopfschmerzen."

"We are much obliged for your aid," Maedhros said elegantly. "We will depart your office in peace."

The seven Elves turned as one and went out the door and followed the instructions of the administrator to the sociology department. "Here we are," they announced themselves grandly. "We are here to see Professor Kopfschmerzen."

"He's down the hall to the left," secretary informed them, pointing down a narrow hallway.

"Thank you, fair lady," Maedhros thanked her. The woman blushes at Maedhros's words. They approach the office and knock at the door politely.

The door opens. "May I help you?" Professor Kopfschmerzen asks.

"Yes," Maedhros answers. "We have come for the sociology class, which we must take to obtain the PhD."

"Why, I am so pleased to hear from incoming freshmen who wish to take my class!" Professor Kopfschmerzen exclaims.

"We are no Men," Maglor informs him.

"Oh so you have not yet passed the ritual to manhood in your culture?" Professor Kopfschmerzen asks.

"There is no ritual to walk among Men," Maedhros says proudly. "But we are not Men."

"I apologize, my ladies," Professor Kopfschmerzen blushes. "I was fooled by your deep voices."

"We are not girls!!!" Celegorm rages. "We are male Elves!"

"Elves?" Professor Kopfschmerzen exclaims, and mutters, "You probably need to see a psychologist."

"Where may we find this psychologist?" Celegorm asks in confusion. "And how might he or she help us obtain the PhD?"

"She works wonders on many people," Professor Kopfschmerzen tells them.

"Is she a maia?" Amras wonders.

"I don't know, actually," Professor Kopfschmerzen replied in bewilderment. "But she can help you. She is in the Counseling and Testing office in the building next to this one."

"We thank you," Maedhros says. The Elves go to the office after asking another random person for directions.

They arrive at the office. "We are here to see the maia," they tell the secretary.

"Maia?" the secretary asks in confusion. "What's a maia?"

"I believe you call them a psychologist," Maedhros clarifies.

"We have many psychologists," the secretary informed them. "Do you need an appointment?"

"We can not be appointed to psychologist, because we are just Elves," Maedhros tells her.

"You can see Dr. Wahnsinnig," she tells them.

"We thank you," Maedhros says with a gracious nod of his head. "Where may we find her?"

"Down the hall to the left," the secretary answers. The Elves walk down the hall cautiously.

"Are you Dr. Wahnsinnig?" they ask a lady.

"Why yes, I am," she answers sweetly.

The Elves bow before her courteously. "My lady, we desire to obtain a PhD," Maedhros informed Dr. Wahnsinnig. "We were told by Professor Kopfschmerzen that you could aid us. He said you work miracles."

Dr. Wahnsinnig blushes. "Well, I suppose that is true," she smiles.

"We need you to work a miracle so we can obtain a PhD for our people the Noldor," Maedhros told her.

"Noldor…" Dr. Wahnsinnig repeats, leaning against her door and revealing a gaint Lord of the Rings poster on her wall complete with the One Ring's poetry in Dark Speech.

"What is that doing here?" the Elves screech. "Do you serve the Dark Lord Morgoth?" They pull out small swords hidden in their cloaks.

"Oh, of course not!" she exclaims as she stumbled back and hits a button on her phone oh, so innocently. "I simply have that poster up on my wall to warn my patients of evils of the Dark Lord Morgoth, so they'll know what to watch for if they ever encounter him."

"Then Morgoth also wishes to obtain this PhD?" the Elves wonder.

"Oh, of course not!" Dr. Wahnsinnig laughs.

"Then why would you need to warn people in this class about him?" Maedhros wonders.

"In case they run into him in the distant future," Dr. Wahnsinnig fibs.

Suddenly, the door bursts open and men in black uniforms come rushing in. Maedhros grabs the doctor, and all the Elves draw their swords. Maedhros holds his sword to Dr. Wahnsinnig's throat.

"You will give us this PhD!" he thunders, "Or we shall slay this psychologist!"

The security team raises their guns. "Drop your weapons," they warn.

"What do those things do?" Celegorm laughs, pointing at the guns. "What are you going to do, knock us on the head?"

One of the security team lets off a warning shot. It blows up a flower pot on the desk. The Elves jolt.

"What is this magic?" they roar. "They are servants of the Dark Lord!"

"No, they are not!" Dr. Wahnsinnig protests. "They are here to protect me in case you try to harm me!"

"I could kill you now!" Maedhros threatens, pushing the sword closer to her throat.

"Why?" Dr. Wahnsinnig inquires in bewilderment.

"We must obtain the PhD!" he answers. "We have sworn an unbreakable oath!"

"Oh, you mean like the Sons of Feanor?" she wonders.

"How did you know who we are?" Maedhros yells frantically.

"My great ancestors told me of the valiant Sons of Feanor," she answers. "Maedhros the Fair, Maglor the Mighty Singer, and all of the other valiant sons."

The younger sons pout, wondering why they didn't warrant a grand title.

"You see, Celebrimbor was my great-grandfather," she lied.

"Really? My son is your grandfather?" Celegorm asks, intrigued.

"Oh, yes," she said, "But I will help you obtain this PhD so you may fulfill your oath, but there is a rule here that they all follow: When the PhD is given, there may be no weapons present, or all the weapons will attack anyone in the room."

"Then we shall put them out the door," Maedhros conceded, "And you shall give us this PhD."

All seven Elves unstrapped their weapons and made a mound of over twenty weapons outside the door. The security officials seized the opportunity to jump on the sons of Feanor and pin them all down. "Blood and death!!!" all seven sons screamed.

The security team handcuffed all the Elves and led them out to a squad of police cars. "Get in there!" one of the officials snarled, shoving the Elves into the backs of the cars.

"You're rude!" Maglor protested.

"You pulled weapons out on us, you brute!" one of the security team protested.

"No, we didn't," Maglor clarified. "We pulled them out at Dr. Wahnsinnig."

"We are protectors of Dr. Wahnsinnig," the security official explained.

"Then you are the spawn of Morgoth!" Maglor spat.

"This guy's nuts," the security official muttered as he plopped down in the driver's seat. He drove the Elves to the courthouse.

Soon, all seven sons of Feanor stood before Judge Hooty. "All rise for the honorable Judge Hooty," the cop announced. Everyone stood up except for the sons of Feanor.

"It would be wise to rise now," their attorney advised them.

"We will not rise before a corrupt servant of the Dark Lord Morgoth!" Maedhros snarled.

"Down with tyranny!" Curanthir yelled.

"Rise up, all ye slaves of Morgoth!" Celegorm mocked.

"I will not represent these loonies!" the attorney said in exasperation. She walked out.

In her place, Feanor entered. "I shall represent these admirable young Elves," Feanor announced.

"Adar!" the seven sons exclaimed.

"Please state your name for the court," Judge Hooty instructed Feanor.

"I am Feanor Curufinwe," Feanor said proudly. "All fear my reasoning!"

"Very well, then, we shall begin," Judge Hooty said, sitting down. Everyone present took their seats. "The prosecuting attorney may begin. Please state your name, Mr. Kor."

"I am Mel Kor, attorney at law," the prosecutor rumbled.

"Down with tyranny!" Curanthir yelled as he tried to rise to attack Mel Kor. The cops held him down.

"It's bloody Morgoth, you idiots!" he screeched, shaking them off frantically. One of the cops radioed for reinforcements.

Feanor made a quick motion to somebody at the back of the room, and the door got shut and barred. It was Nernandel, who had sailed oversea to join her family.

Feanor sprang up and grabbed all the weapons from the cops.

"I object!" Mel Kor screamed.

"Shut up, you lying bastard!" Feanor roared. "Nevermore shall your lies infiltrate a court!"

"Objection, your honor!" Mel Kor yelped frantically.

"Object to this!" Feanor yelled as he raised the gun and leveled it at Mel Kor.

"Die now!" Feanor laughed maniacally, pulling the trigger with a loud BANG! Mel Kor cried out and dropped dead, returning back to Mandos's prison.

"Well, that was interesting," Judge Hooty sputtered in obvious shock.

"Well, now you can just unlock my sons and let them go," Feanor advised.

"Okay," she said just before passing out. All nine Elves mysteriously vanished after exiting the courtroom.

The next day, Dr. Wahnsinnig saw a paper saw a paper whose headline read, "The sons of Feanor and their father escape from court. Five shocking photos inside! On a lesser note, the infamous prosecuting attorney Mel Kor has been pronounced dead. Next week: Bingo at the Muckleshoot Casino."

_Finis _(for now)

Stay tuned for "The Sons of Feanor Kill Barney".


End file.
